Managing Stress for Parents of Children With Disabilities

How to reduce stress is highly individualized because our brains are wired differently, both cognitively and emotionally, so everyone deals with stress differently. In order to be successful in managing your stress, you have to:

A. Understand how the brain responds to stress.

B. Decide to actively reduce your stress.

C. Identify the specific cause of the stress

D. Learn how to prevent it and how to respond when you feel stressed.

When everything is okay, the thinking and feeling reactions in our brains are in balance. But if a situation causes stress, your emotional brain overrides your thinking brain, and a person can “lose it” and react without thinking. When people lose their emotional balance for extended periods of time, their logical thinking ability becomes significantly compromised.

Imagine a kid falls in the pool: if you are in balance, you run and pull the kid out. If you are out of balance, you scream and rapidly lose control as the child continues to stay underwater. When stressed out, the ability to parent effectively becomes seriously hampered. We aim to have balance, but more often than not, we parents of children with special needs easily lose our balance. So take comfort – you’re not alone.

Unless you actively decide to reduce your stress, you probably will not. Once you do decide, you are on the road to managing it properly. It takes a lot of effort and time, so be patient – but actively means you keep at it until you’re successful.

Next, identify the specific causes of your stress.

To parent a typical child is extremely challenging. Parenting a child with disabilities increases that challenge beyond the imagination’s capabilities. First, give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can – acknowledge that and reward yourself. Even if it’s complimenting yourself for completing a difficult task or eating an ice cream, do anything that makes you happy.

Try to focus on the positive. Optimism is contagious – the more you express, the more you see it. Tell yourself, “Life may not be what I expected, but I’m doing what I can to make it the best it can be,” or “There are no mistakes – only learning opportunities.”

You have to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Sleep must be a priority. Even ten-minute naps make a difference. Eat well (even double recipes and freeze half for another day). Try and exercise – even a 10–15 minute walk is good. Praying and talking to G-d in your own words – asking Him for help or telling Him what’s on your mind and in your heart – believe me, brings tremendous comfort, no strings attached.

Try building support groups for yourself by asking family and close friends for help. Be specific about how they can be helpful – pick up a kid from school, go to the pharmacy, etc. – or try meeting someone else with a similar situation to yours. You can get comfort and strength just by giving it to someone else.

Try to change your perspective on how you look at your situation. Look at the positive you do have in your life, things that have worked out for you – focus on that.

The way you respond when you feel stressed can keep you balanced or unbalanced. When the stressor hits – for example, your son is banging his head against the wall – as hard as it is, positively say to yourself, “I don’t like when he does this, but I can stop him so he doesn’t hurt himself.” Try and stay focused on what’s essential at that moment to get through it.

If there is anything that can be done to relieve the stress at that moment, do it! If not—for example, finances, test results, outcomes of meetings with doctors or professionals – tell yourself, “This stress needs attention, which I will give it at the appropriate time.” No point in stressing over it until the time comes. It’s a waste of time – try and remove it from your brain until then.