Raising A Special Needs Child Requires A Special Marriage

With marriage being such a challenge, when raising children with special needs, you might as well have walked down the isle in a hard hat and a hazmat suit, because boy are you gonna need them! If your raising a child with special needs, you are probably devoting most of your time and energy to his/her care and then you might even have other children who need you also, but there is someone else who is extremely important that you must make an extra effort not let fall to the wayside and forget about, your spouse. Here are a few tips on what you can focus on:

Silence says a lot about a relationship, because it begs the question: what are you not talking about?
Parents of children with special needs because they are so stressed out often keep their emotions bottled up inside, until it explodes over the slightest disagreement. One parent might feel guilty while the other feels angry. One parent might be overwhelmed while the other feels neglected. Keeping these things in won’t work if you want your marriage to survive and thrive. Talk about these emotions but don’t judge each other over them. Two people in the same situation can have completely different emotional reactions and neither is right or wrong. In fact, hearing about why your spouse feels or acts a certain way can be helpful and give you a new perspective. Happily married couples share insights about everything the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad. They are each other’s best friend. Keep talking about important feelings and you will be able to talk about anything, and whatever you do DON’T TEXT when you are mad! Your emotions do not come across accurately in a text message. I don’t care what emojis you use. Please make a phone call or talk to each other face to face!

Learn to listen, when your spouse has had a hard day, fight the urge to one-up his/her frustrations with your own struggles. Instead listen, sympathize with the situation, acknowledge that he/she needs a break, express appreciation for how hard your spouse works but most important of all validate, validate, validate what your spouse is saying and feeling!! By doing this you would help avoid resentment, which is toxic to a marriage.

Work together, one parent often assumes most of the responsibility for childcare and healthcare decisions. Over time he/she might start making all the decisions without consulting the other. Suddenly one parent is the boss, and the other has no say in the decisions. Besides for this leading to resentment to the parent that has no say, but the parent that acts as the boss will eventually feel resentment over the imbalance of the responsibilities, which can hurt the relationship. If you’re the primary caregiver don’t forget to keep your spouse informed of all major decisions that need to be made. Which will also help share the overwhelming demands of caring for this child, because you act like partners and equals.
It will help you identify each other’s strengths together and share the burden. While one may be home and take care of the day to day care the other might be better at handling some of the doctor appointments, but once these roles are decided allow your spouse the “step up” and resist the urge to take over.

Don’t blame each other when things are tough and make sure to say, “thank you”! The blame game never works in marriage, in fact its destructive. Its easy in tough times to blame your spouse for your hardships, but in situations such as these it only makes things worse. Frustration is normal but resist the urge to find someone to blame. When something nice is done for you make sure to say, “thank you”.
Appreciation is a powerful emotion, thank your spouse for the little things making dinner, cleaning the snow from your car, whatever it is. When you say thank you, you acknowledge your spouse’s efforts and are reminded about the love he/she has for you.

One on one time together, is important to keep the spark alive. Romance is what binds you together as a couple and the healthiest marriages prioritize alone time. Intimacy allows you to take care of yourself and your partner in a way that also strengthens the relationship. Have fun together. When times get tough in a marriage it is easy to slip into a pattern that mimics being roommates or business partners.
Mix it up. Don’t follow the same old routine. Go on a date night together, stay out for the night at a hotel, go for a long walk together, exercise together. Can’t get out? Stay home, open a bottle of wine, and play a board game. Use your imagination to find a way that you can connect in a way that you will both enjoy. Didn’t get time this week alone, write a little note to your spouse about what he/she means to you. Little gestures everyday are what thread a successful marriage. As busy as you are and as important as all the doctor appointments and therapies are to your child, it is even more important that your child has his/her parents on the same page with a strong marriage. Healthy, happy parents’ equal happy children. Whoever has met with the team of C.A.R.E for special children knows how much I beg them to carve out time for each other! I can’t stress this point enough.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, try to keep the “ups” often by working on your relationship, which might seem like another task on an already long to do list, but when your marriage is strong you work better as a team you communicate better, argue less, and this can make life easier and better. Not just for you, but for your children too. Make no mistake about it, caring for a child with special needs is stressful beyond belief. Don’t let the negative impact shatter your marriage. The comfort and joy of a solid marriage helps you overcome almost any obstacle that comes your way.