TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE THE HOLIDAY

Do you break out into a sweat just imagining how hectic a two-day holiday can be?

Maybe you’re already cringing at the thought of awkward moments you are sure to have—the looks or comments from family members when your child melts down because he can’t express himself. Maybe you’re wondering how family members will respond, or if they’ll understand at all. These are some of the thoughts and fears that we’ve heard many parents express over the years—and you may have as well.

Rosh Hashana is meant to be a meaningful celebration of new beginnings, gathering with family, and sharing meals. But for many families, especially those with a child who has special needs, these moments can be more draining than uplifting. The change in routine, the long meals, the late nights, the sensory overload—it can all add up fast. Here are some tips that I hope will ease the stress and make the Holiday less stressful and more enjoyable for your whole family.

Plan Ahead! Plan Ahead! Plan Ahead!

When it comes to having a child with special needs, there are extra considerations to keep in mind. Not only will you have the usual things to prepare—like food, clothes, and making sure the family has what they need—you will also need to plan for your special child and his needs: what to take, who will be there, when to arrive, when to leave, where and how they will sleep, possibly a wheelchair or medical equipment.

First, if your child is verbal, have a conversation with him/her, how expect them to behave and don’t shy away from specifics. Let him know the rules, what he should expect, and what is expected of him. You will have to keep reminding him over the holiday so it stays fresh each day.

Talk to Your Hosts

It is sometimes necessary to prepare your relatives, so they know what to expect and make sure their expectations are realistic. As a parent you never want to put your child in a situation where they will fail. You may want to explain to a certain family member who insists on a hug and a kiss from your child, not to! If your child is nonverbal and doesn’t understand that if he breaks his cousins Lego tower, his cousin will get upset, try and speak to the other children ahead of time and explain to them that your child doesn’t understand what he is doing, and to try and be patient with him, which might work or might not work. You can also try and bring a caregiver or babysitter, so he can be watched and doesn’t annoy other children. I know this doesn’t always fit into everyone’s situation, but if possible you will be happy you did. You will be a lot calmer and happier and will possibly be able to sit, eat, and enjoy a conversation with all the other adults. Getting along with cousins and other kids they don’t often see can be a challenge. Just because kids are naturally the same age doesn’t mean they will naturally be friends, but they should still try and get along (with adult support if needed).

Prepare for Social Dynamics

Rule of thumb let kids settle their own arguments amongst themselves and parents shouldn’t get involved, but when it comes to a child with special needs, they are going to need your support, so let them know that they should find you if conflict arises that they can’t settle amicably. Family gatherings can be a teachable moment. Let kids know that family is important and sometimes you must deal with people you don’t really like, but you should try and work it out if you can. As parents, you are probably doing that with your relatives as well, so you can try and model good social behavior. If it can’t be avoided, try and distance your child and yourself from that person as much as possible to keep the peace.

Dealing with Comments

As far as “well-meaning” friends or family who have “the answer” or advice – whether or not it was asked for – smile and say, “thank you.” Some may even be insensitive, and now is not the time to debate. Try and let the insensitive remarks roll off your back (at least in front of everyone). You don’t have to agree or disagree, and you don’t have to do what they say, but at least you can have grace and gratitude.

I must admit, it is not going to be easy, my tongue has many scars from the biting remarks it has had to endure over the years—but nonetheless, it needs to be done to get through the holiday peacefully.

Stick to a Routine

Try to keep to routine to a routine as much as possible. We love the holidays because they give us a break from everyday routine, but that can also be more stressful especially for kids that find routine comforting. Try to keep things constant, like meals or bedtime, even if the actual time is different than usual. The kids will be missing the structured day and activities they have in school, so try to keep them occupied. If they are capable, let them help out, set the table, push the wagon in the supermarket, or even make a gift for your hope (arts and crafts or baking cookies). Whatever it is will help keep the child busy and can be meaningful to them at the same time.

Build in Downtime

If possible, plan ahead for quiet time to decrease overstimulation and a possible cause of a meltdown. Arrange for another room he can use when he needs a break to either chill out or take a nap.

Remember, they are kids; some holidays depend on kids being on their best behavior. Try to keep lengthy meals and family gatherings to a minimum. Try to customize festivities for your child’s frustration level.

Managing your own expectations of what the holidays “should” look like is the most essential step to any holiday gathering. As parents, we should check in with ourselves about what our own expectations are, and not extend them to our kids.

Choose One or Two Meaningful Goals

It would be great if the kids could sit at the table and eat a nice holiday meal with us—but that isn’t the reality. They are incapable of doing this and can’t sit still or stay quiet for a long time. It is important to appreciate that kids might find the fun in other things—like playing with their cousins or running around outside—and that is okay.

Identify one or two things that you would like your kids to get out of the holiday, an idea, a value, a memory of doing something special together as a family and work on achieving that. Above all else, give yourself a break, you can’t make everyone happy, and the perfect holiday is nonexistent! That may only be something you would see in the movies!

Wishing you a Shana Tova and Happy Holidays!