May 27, 2025

Why, When, and How to Tell Your Children They Have a Special Needs Sibling

Victoria Safdieh, founder of CARE and a mother of a child with special needs.

Having a child with special needs and children without comes with unique challenges. You’re not only faced with doing what’s best for your special child but also paying attention to the needs of their brothers and sisters.

These siblings are often dealing with the same struggles and feelings that you do as parents. They too feel a sense of loss and confusion and frustration all at the same time before they’ve developed comparable coping skills. You’re likely to find that supporting your children without special needs will prove to be a long term investment in your special needs child.

Why it’s important:

Parents often stress about the “first conversation” in which they explain their child’s disability, but ideally there should never be a first conversation but rather a continuum of dialogues. It is important to be ready to talk to your children about the specific diagnosis your child has even if you think they already understand you may be surprised at how little your children actually know and understand. You don’t want your children jumping to conclusions or talking to their friends about it before it is explained properly. When words are not spoken in the home they are sometimes interpreted as “bad words”or something that must be bad because we never talk about it at home. When these children encounter the words in public- school, Shul, or playground where they can be used less favorably they can further cement the notion that the condition is unmentionable or even shameful. But it’s not! So it’s so important for the families to define the words at home.

When should I talk to them?

There is no “perfect time” to talk to your children. However starting early and being honest will ensure they have a good understanding of what s going on with their sibling. It’s a good idea to talk to the kids before they go to school or have friends over. This will help them be prepared for the inevitable question. “What’s up with your brother/sister?” What should I say?

When explaining your child’s disorder to your other children remember to be specific to their siblings particular experience. The children who don’t have special needs want to know what is going on in there brother or sisters world.

What siblings need to know:

It is not a choice how he/she responds or acts. Some of the things he does is not on purpose. Try explaining certain behaviors and the purpose behind them. For example. If your child rocks back and forth, or flaps his hands, or repeats noises. You can explain that he/she does this to either calm down or feel safe instead of asking mommy for a hug or by comparing their behaviors to themselves for example. When you get excited you express yourself by telling me but he/she can’t talk so he flaps his hands and make noises.

Your brother or sister is not the only one who is like this. Our family may be different than most families but we are not the only family like this. We are not alone, and if they want to be introduced to other siblings going through something similar, it might help them feel normal.

The way your children react toward their brother/sisters “unusual behaviors” will be reflected by their peers and friends. Similarly your response is also likely to influence the way your other children see their sibling. If your children see you accepting and compassionate in spite of the difficult circumstances both towards your child and other members of the special needs community they will follow your lead.